I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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