note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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