Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
