All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
