I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
