Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
