When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
