It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
