Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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