If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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