Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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