my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
