3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
