So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
