I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
