I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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