I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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