I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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