Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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