my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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