Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
