WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
