I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
