Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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