Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
