I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
