god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize