my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
