She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Text me some of your sweat
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize