i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
