Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
