The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
