did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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