i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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