OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
