my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize