Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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