I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
