You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
