Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
