Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
