Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
