mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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