The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
