Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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