I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
