i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
