dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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