Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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