They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
