i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize