Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
