I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
