so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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