I'm jealous of your bromance
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
