I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We were destined to go to rehab together
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
