I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
